The patterns, one at a time
Coercive control works because each piece of it looks reasonable on its own. Reading the patterns separately makes them much easier to recognise. Each lesson takes about two minutes.
New here? Start with DARVO — deny, attack, reverse victim and offender, the pattern people recognise fastest.
Isolation
Slowly cutting you off from other people.
Monitoring and surveillance
Checking, tracking, and needing to know where you are.
Financial control
Controlling money to control choices.
Guilt and obligation
PlusMaking your ordinary choices feel like a betrayal.
Reality-testing and denial
PlusRewriting what happened until you doubt your own memory.
Moving goalposts
PlusThe rules change so you can never quite get it right.
Threats and intimidation
PlusFear used as a way to get compliance.
Intensity cycles
PlusExtremes of warmth and withdrawal that keep you off balance.
Degradation and criticism
PlusSteady chipping away at how you see yourself.
Rules and permission-seeking
PlusAdult life becomes something you need approval for.
DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender)
You raise a concern — and somehow end up apologising.
These lessons are educational. They are not a diagnosis of anyone, and not legal or clinical advice. If something here lands close to home, please speak to a specialist — see Get help.
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